The Sordid Seven
(The Worst Movies of 2003)
Not since Battlefield Earth has one film been so loathed by so many. But to tell you the truth, Gigli isn’t even the worst film on this list! That dubious honour goes to The Cat in the Hat, a movie so awful it had us asking, “Mr. Brown can boo! Can you?”
Then again, Gigli certainly isn’t the best film on this list, either. That would be The Matrix Revolutions, but bear in mind that the term “best” is relative when we’re talking about the worst films of the year. Taken on its own merits, Revolutions was a so-so action-fantasy flick with some impressive effects and a heavy conceptual debt to James Cameron’s Aliens. But as the closing chapter in the saga that began with 1999’s jaw-dropping The Matrix, it was a bitter disappointment. Between the pseudo-philosophical bafflegab passing as dialogue and a climactic Neo-versus-Agent Smith showdown that looked like a high-tech Punch and Judy show, Revolutions squandered the immense possibility of its own premise. Fortunately, Peter Jackson finished out the year with The Return of the King. Now that’s how you cap off a trilogy!
This year’s honourable mentions are From Justin to Kelly and The Real Cancun, two films that brought the minuscule production values and empty-headed “personalities” of reality TV to the big screen. With reality like this, maybe The Cat in the Hat wasn’t so bad after all!
Boat Trip – Ever since his cocky, charismatic turn in Jerry Maguire, Cuba Gooding Jr. has steadfastly refused to show us the talent. And this film, an unfunny two-minute gay-stereotype gag that somebody decided to improve by making it feature-length, only made the Cuban Fizzle Crisis worse.
Cold Creek Manor – What the hell? Where did the spooky haunted-house movie go, and when is something—anything—going to happen?
Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat – Strictly a litterbox leftover, this latest inexcusable insult to dearly departed Dr. Seuss was somehow even more abysmal than the Jim Carrey Grinch movie. What’s next, Horton Hatches the Bomb?
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harold Met Lloyd – This far dumberer prequel to the dumb but inexplicably funny 1994 Farrelly brothers flick didn’t have Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels, or a Farrelly brother in sight—unless you count the kiss-of-death “based on characters created by…” credit.
Gigli – Turkey time! Bennifer will always have this little gem as a memento of their ill-fated relationship, but the rest of us will always have it as a reminder of why couples should never, EVER make vanity-project pictures together.
The Matrix Revolutions – This final installment in the Matrix trilogy wasn’t really one of the year’s worst films, but it was the year’s most disappointing let-down. The creative decline was already apparent in Reloaded, but watching the Wachowski brothers flail around for an ending was like choking down the blue pill without water—a most unpleasant exit from the dreamworld of the Matrix and back into crappy Hollywood reality.
Timeline – This Richard Donner flatliner, based on one of author Michael Crichton’s more recent straight-to-screenplay doorstops, ran just shy of two hours. It made us wish we could travel back in time to get those two hours back.