But as one of our founders is a Shakespeare nut I thought this might be of some interest to at least one of our readers.

Two Gentlemen of Lewbowski

Check out his ascension from a lowly driver all the way up to the Big Guy Upstairs.
(Questionable ladder though… shouldn’t a driver rank higher than an inmate?)

Whether you agree with it or not, it’s definitely worth the read!

You can click here to see it on his site or I’ll post it below the break for those too lazy to click a link.

How Twilight Works

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy – where you know it’s bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I’ve been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II New Moon’s release, so I thought I’d break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn’t described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward – a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this “empty shell,” the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I’m going to refer to her as “Pants” from here on out.

So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand – and you’ve got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward’s appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression “Edward’s perfect face,” and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color – even his goddamn breath (I’m not joking).

Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she’s bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure – a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.

So what about men that like Twilight?
If you’re male and you like Twilight, you’re gay. I don’t mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the “you want to put your testicles against another man’s testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair” kind of way.

And the movie?
The movie is just the same uninspired crap shat out onto a film reel. If you like the taste of horse manure on your bologna sandwiches, you’re probably gonna like it on your birthday cake as well. The same principle applies with Twilight.

Beyond that, it’s just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bullshit peppered here and there. It doesn’t really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits. There’s lots of nervous lip-biting, tender kisses between Pants and Edward, and lengthy descriptions of every feature of Edward’s body. Pants is a static character who never really progresses beyond being an insecure vampire fangirl who obsesses over Edward. Whether her character grows beyond that is unknown to me, I’d stopped reading by then and shifted my attention to an electric butt-massaging chair in Sky Mall.

First up (due February 12) is Chris Columbus’s Percy Jackson & the Olympians: Lightning Thief, based on the first in Rick Riordan’s series of children’s books about a 12-year-old demigod. Then on March 26, Incredible Hulk director Louis Leterrier takes on Clash of the Titans, a remake of the 1981 mythfest with Sam Worthington stepping into Harry Hamlin’s sandals as Perseus and computer-generated giant scorpions filling in for Ray Harryhausen’s unmistakable stop-motion versions.

The question is, can box-office lightning strike twice in less than two months? There are some serious names in the Clash cast, but my money’s on Percy over Perseus. Harry Potter meets the gods and monsters of Greek mythology? You don’t need the pitch meeting to know that’s an irresistible idea.

Please let me know when you will allow me to return to you.

I miss you.  I hope you miss me too.

Sincerely yours,
Your Dignity.